linzee: (fob: no one is really)
The problem with tumblr...okay, there are many problems with tumblr, but the problem with tumblr in terms of fannish content is it's not only made me content with not producing anything, but it's made me increasingly uncomfortable posting unless I have a Specific Reason to Do So.  I've absorbed the tagging culture of tumblr's version of fandom, I think -- I find myself opening up DW tabs regularly, getting halfway through a post, and asking, "do I really need to post this?  Is this benefiting anyone?"   The answer of course is no, because unless I'm explicitly posting fanwork I'm pretty much talking to hear myself talk, but, then, that never stopped me before.

At any rate, I'd really like to post more often, and this "Retro Journaling" challenge seems like a great way to do so.  I find myself missing DW/LJ more and more these days -- Tumblr is fun, but I just can't quite get on board with it as a sole or even primary form of fannish interaction, largely for the reason I just mentioned.  The entire format really discourages personal engagement, and after a while it becomes a very alienating way to 'do' fandom.  And it's utterly terrible for meta, discussion or long-form conversation, which brings me to the other thing that's been bothering me more and more with Tumblr: the emphasis on popularity through reblogs and likes encourages a culture of hyperbole, mis-sourcing and games of telephone that really confuses me because we're on the damn internet, it's not that hard to put something in google and take the five seconds it requires to find out whether or not X celebrity actually tweeted that about Castiel or whether or not Y thing was actually said about Draco in an interview.  Hint: about 50% of the time with tumblr, the answer is "no, they didn't."  It's ridiculous.

The point is, journaling come back to meeeeeeee.  I say as I once again put off opening a Dreamwidth tab in favor of reblogging screencaptures from "Tremors."

I spent far too much time last night reading WTF Fanfiction's list of things used as lube that shouldn't be lube.  I feel like it says something about how long I've been in fandom that I was largely unfazed by most of the list, because apparently after a while things like "gun oil," "monster slime" and "holy water" don't start sounding any less unpleasant, but they do start, er, bleeding together.  I am fascinated by some of these despite myself, though.  Like -- Dorito crumbs.  I realize there are things on that list that should scare me more (jellyfish!  Souls!  THE TEARS OF CHILDREN) but for some reason I keep going back to the Doritos.

Let it be noted, incidentally, that everything I am doing right now is a thing I should not be doing.  What I should be doing is writing a book review, a draft of which I need to have by Friday, but I've worked myself up so badly over it that I've become avoidant.   This is becoming a massive problem as I start working on my dissertation, and I wish I could make myself stop.  I start questioning my writing ability, and my ability to think, and I end up doing anything else but what I should be doing until the very last minute, at which point adrenaline and sheer panic force me into finishing whatever needed to get done.  This is not an appropriate long-term form of writing though, and it certainly won't work here -- not when I'm trying to get done quickly (because I want to leave Seattle yesterday).  Which is to say, I apologize in advance for any writing-related whining.  And also for all of the things I will do while avoiding my dissertation.


linzee: (Default)
What do you do when you run out of steam on a story right at the finish line? I feel like I've been doing this a lot, lately. I am quite literally paragraphs away from finishing a fic I've been working on for...man, it feels like forever, but I've reached an impasse where I have no idea how to end it, I have no fandom friends for this fandom (and no LJ friends who share the ship), and I'm burnt out on the fandom itself to the point where even though I'm really proud of what I have so far, opening the Google Docs tab is exhausting. I just keep thinking: even if this gets done, I have to find a beta, and I do not know where to do that. And then I have to re-read it, and I'm so burnt out on the fandom I don't want to do that. And then I have to figure out how to post it, and I've been frustrated by my experiences with that as of late.

I am two paragraphs from done and I'm something like 60% sure this fic will end up as yet another story in my ever-growing pile of abandoned WIPs. I swear at this point I'm honestly not allowed to write anything else. This is absolutely ridiculous.

But! In happier fannish news, this weekend is my Matchbox Twenty Extravaganza! They are playing Phoenix on Friday and Tucson on Saturday, and I am so excited you guys I can't even. To celebrate, and because I now know better than to put everything I own on an external hard drive and nowhere else again, I have uploaded my entire Matchbox Twenty collection (minus the albums because ya'll know where to find those) to my webspace:

This is a Lot of Matchbox Twenty

My personal recommendation btw is the May 2001 show -- it's an entire Mad Season era concert and it is shockingly good quality. Far better than the one I had before my hard drive crashed.
linzee: (misc: judas i don't believe you)
I've spent the last hour of my life watching Fabella's really amazing Sam/Castiel music videos and then I logged on to Tumblr and there was Scully/Reyes fanart that kept referring to Scully as "Dana" and it's not even nine PM in Arizona and I honestly have no idea what is going on or what reality is anymore. I have never been so confused.

[In all seriousness though, you have to watch that Sam/Cas video. The one I linked directly is set to "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson and I don't think I would've clicked that for many vidders but she made Rob Thomas work as a fanvid for me and oh my god you guys no just do it.]

I'm totally watching this video while trying to finish my first over 40,000 word fic (Dean/Castiel, but I swear I am not one of those Dean/Castiel shippers -- I mean, I've spent the last 24 hours mainlining Sam/Castiel fanvids and before that I was running around trying to recover a pretty impressive Wincest fanvid collection so, I mean). It's at 42k and it just keeps growing and I'm either proud of myself or horrified and I haven't figured out which yet. It's entirely possible I'll get tired of words for the evening and give up and vid instead.

In other news, if you ever want to confuse a cat, put on a clay face mask. My boy kitty has been staring at me like I'm a demon for the last twenty minutes. He won't even get in my lap -- he's just on the ground next to me screaming at my green face.
linzee: (misc: judas i don't believe you)
One of the hardest realizations for me in the fandom shift from LJ/DW to tumblr has been having to come to terms with the fact that I no longer have any idea how to disseminate fanworks: either I've become completely out of touch with what Kids Today want in their work (this is entirely possible), or I'm just clueless (also possible), or it's a combination of the two (also likely), but tumblr's fanfic culture in particular is a foreign creature that confuses and at times completely vexes me. I'm just throwing darts in a dark hallway and it is discouraging beyond all belief.

The thing is, and I have always said this because it is true, but I don't necessarily feel the need to post what I write. I write as stress relief because it's nice to work in a relatively low-stakes environment where (under normal circumstances) no one is going to tell you how badly you suck. Bandom took that from me for a while, but eventually I realized bandom was largely a complete hive of scum and villainy and moved on with my life. What I am embarrassingly, humiliatingly susceptible to, though, is radio silence. My biggest fear is posting a fic I've worked on for months and getting no response, or posting fanart or drabbles and hearing radio silence. And the thing with tumblr is - for the reasons mentioned above - this is what happens. Which is fine, because no one owes me commentary, but I do find myself writing things and then putting them away in the Google Docs equivalent of my sock drawer more and more often. Which is a thing I've always done: I wrote about twice the amount of bandom fic that I actually posted, for instance; I have a few extra Adam Lambert stories that never made it to the internet; I wrote for The Avengers and never posted. And now I've got this 40+k Supernatural fic I'm just about finished with that I'm really, really proud of and I'm not entirely sure I'm going to post because while I can handle criticism, I get so embarrassed and ashamed when I publish something online and nothing happens but silence.

The downside of this, and this is where I realize I am being a total selfish asshole, is I still like getting things beta'ed. And that is a hard sell: "hey, do you want to beta 42,000 words of Dean/Castiel with a lot of Sam knowing it will never ever get posted on the internet and all your work will be for naught?" Oh yes sign me up for that!

In conclusion, as long as I'm here, here is a Meg/Cas vid I made a while ago and, uh, never posted. At what point am I in danger of becoming some sort of fandom hoarder?

linzee: (fob: homemade porn)
I have been having no luck at all with this Tony/Steve story I'm working on. I think I've been staring at it for too long. It's reached the point where it's been in my brain so long enough I can no longer take a step back and examine it objectively -- I can't tell if it's worth editing up and keeping, or if it's full of issues and needs to be scrapped, or if I'm just over it entirely and frustrated and ready to throw it in the WIP Folder where 70% of everything I write goes to languish and die.

It is the worst and I hate it. I need another pair of eyes on this thing but I am too embarrassed to make other people look at it because what if it sucks.

Tonight while (finally) reading my LJ friendslist I was struck by a fit of nostalgia and sudden concern for Livejournal's ability to retain information, and ended up going back and digging up all of my old bandom tags. Over two hours later, here are things that I learned:

1) I wrote a hell of a lot of fic in that fandom. Like, seriously. I found things I had literally no memory of -- not little drabbles, either, I found a 15,000 word Pete/Patrick fic that I couldn't remember writing, even as I read it. The only reason I am sure it is definitely mine and not the product of some sort of time/space continuum burp is that Patrick was being continually annoyed by a Rob Thomas ringtone. And now you understand why I put these things in -- it is convenient in the apparently very-real face of sudden and complete memory erasure.

2) I produced my best work in that fandom and I hate that this is true.

3) Remember that time Patrick Stump got pregnant and had to quit his job at Dairy Queen? Or that time Ryan Ross masturbated while thinking about John McCain? Or the time Garth Brooks fell in love with Patrick and challenged Pete to a duel for his love? Good times.

The moral of the story is I am the worst at writing and all of the words are gone and I will never produce anything new again.

Have I mentioned I miss posting here? There is something so soothing about making actual posts in a medium I understand.

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