linzee: (Default)
Because I am absolutely terrible at accounts and trying to consolidate (and because I'm trying to get back into journaling - again - and I'm tired of being adrift in the sea of Twitter), I'm moving everything over to [personal profile] linzeestyle (on Dreamwidth). I even moved my Livejournal, finally. Come friend me over there? :)
linzee: (train: forget this five year bender)

I am torn between delight and affectionate embarrassment at the name "Hella Fine merlot," which is appropriate, because Train has been making me feel that combination of emotions for going on thirteen years now.

And now I am going to drink Train wine, listen to Save Me San Francisco, and write Steve/Bucky porn, because that is how Responsible Adults spend their Friday nights.

This is everything I dreamed my late twenties would be. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed of the fact that statement is made without any sarcasm whatsoever.
linzee: (mbt: take a bow)
The X Files premiered twenty years ago today, which I find absolutely ridiculous and a little bit terrifying. XF was my first fandom -- I got into it pretty late in the game (late season five), and into fandom after the movie came out -- back when I was a relatively tiny Linzee (well, 90s internet-tiny -- I feel like there are nine year olds on tumblr now so apparently fourteen would not be all that young? YOUTHS). For better or worse it shaped most things about my fannish experience, but the one thing XF did for me is give me a group of friends that I've had for over a decade now. Most of them aren't in fandom anymore, but we've all kept in touch. I always joke -- most people have high school friends, I have XF friends, but it's true and I am grateful for that. The show gave me a sense of belonging during my teenage years I wouldn't have had otherwise. Which is perhaps a weird memory to have of a show and a fannish experience, but, well...XF was weird.

Tonight I re-watched "Field Trip" and "All Things," because "Field Trip" is one of my favorite episodes and because I hadn't watched "All Things" in years. Miscellaneous thoughts on both include:

This is not long, but it is mindless. )

I was going to come up with a "top ten X Files episodes" list or something for the occasion, but every time I started I ended up getting distracted watching episodes. One day I will triumph and come up with that list though. One day.
linzee: (Default)
I have no content today because I have done nothing, so instead, here is a picture of Fyodor.

I swear to god Fyodor has been going through his terrible twos since I adopted him at six months old. He's a little over two years old now; his 'big sister,' Virginia, is almost four and tolerates him, at best -- though, to be fair, she's a tortoiseshell. 'Tolerate at best' is a defining trait of her genetic code. I'm fairly certain she would only tolerate me, at best, if not for the fact I got her when she was so young that I think she thinks I'm her mom. Fyodor's been a bigger bag of dicks than usual since we've been spending the summer at my parents' house though, and I'm starting to feel bad about it. To the point where a part of me thinks that the month away from him might do Virginia some good. The problem is that he's clingy, and I worry about leaving him with my parents vs. leaving Virginia. On the other hand, I don't want to leave her and give her more reason to be jealous. She's already got jealousy issues.

I keep hoping he will Chill The Fuck Out, but he isn't a kitten anymore! Virginia got over her desire to be the biggest can of buttholes in the world after about a year and a half, and Fyodor just keeps going, man.

Ah, well. I guess it could be worse. Neither of my cats are destructive: they've never scratched, clawed, bitten, or otherwise harmed people, furniture, belongings or each other, so there's that? They're the most well-behaved assholes humanly (cat-ly?) possible!

(I have been told I've raised cats with my personality; we will save this self-examination for another day.)
linzee: (Default)
Life update: travelling across the country with two cats is unnecessarily difficult. Actually impossible, if one of the locations on your itinerary is Phoenix. I can't cargo one of the cats because no airline will accept animals as cargo if the temperature is above 85, even if their cargo hold is air conditioned. Which -- okay, I appreciate this as a safety precaution, but they also won't let me carry on two cats even if I buy one of them a person-ticket, which is a touch more frustrating. Cat ladies travel, too! The solution I ended up with after great deliberation is just to fly back to Arizona for a long weekend in mid-October and pick up the second cat then, for all of four weeks until I fly back to Phoenix for Thanksgiving, at which point I'll be bringing back one cat, and then the second one comes with me, yet again (and for good) for Christmas. My mom suggested I try to smuggle on a cat like Lucy Ricardo with the cheese, but cats aren't quite as edible, nor am I in possession of convenient hideout tubas.

ANYWAY. Second point of order: earlier this summer my older of two external hard drives died, and as a result I lost basically every fanvid I have ever saved. It was horrible -- at least a decade's worth of fanvids, including quite a few old XF and SV videos that aren't online anymore. I don't think I'm ever going to get entirely over this. I was able to rescue my 13 year old Matchbox Twenty mp3 collection, though, as well as my Train mp3 collection that's about that same age, so at least there's something. Since then I've been trying to start a new fanvid collection, but it's still pretty scarce. Anyone have any fanvid recs they want to send my way? *huge eyes*

I will start with two!

Light Em' Up - Team Free Will [Supernatural] - there's another SPN video to "My Songs Know What You Did In the Dark" that was ubiquitous on Tumblr a couple of months ago, but I wasn't much of a fan of it. This one, on the other hand, is absolutely incredible. This song is so wonderfully over-dramatic in the glorious, over the top way that made me fall in love with Fall Out Boy in the first place, and the video amps that up to 11. I honestly like this video so much I've just accepted it as the music video for the song; the editing is better than the editing for the real music video/music video series-thing.

Getaway - Dean/Benny [Supernatural] - I feel like everybody secretly, deep down inside, shipped Dean/Benny. At least once, for at least a couple minutes. This video pulls those couple minutes out of you and turns them into a massive pile of feelings that you will want to crawl under and die (okay, that might just be me). Things I am still not over, apparently: that time Dean had to decapitate his vampire boyfriend to save his baby brother. Supernatural is why I don't have nice things.
linzee: (fob: no one is really)
The problem with tumblr...okay, there are many problems with tumblr, but the problem with tumblr in terms of fannish content is it's not only made me content with not producing anything, but it's made me increasingly uncomfortable posting unless I have a Specific Reason to Do So.  I've absorbed the tagging culture of tumblr's version of fandom, I think -- I find myself opening up DW tabs regularly, getting halfway through a post, and asking, "do I really need to post this?  Is this benefiting anyone?"   The answer of course is no, because unless I'm explicitly posting fanwork I'm pretty much talking to hear myself talk, but, then, that never stopped me before.

At any rate, I'd really like to post more often, and this "Retro Journaling" challenge seems like a great way to do so.  I find myself missing DW/LJ more and more these days -- Tumblr is fun, but I just can't quite get on board with it as a sole or even primary form of fannish interaction, largely for the reason I just mentioned.  The entire format really discourages personal engagement, and after a while it becomes a very alienating way to 'do' fandom.  And it's utterly terrible for meta, discussion or long-form conversation, which brings me to the other thing that's been bothering me more and more with Tumblr: the emphasis on popularity through reblogs and likes encourages a culture of hyperbole, mis-sourcing and games of telephone that really confuses me because we're on the damn internet, it's not that hard to put something in google and take the five seconds it requires to find out whether or not X celebrity actually tweeted that about Castiel or whether or not Y thing was actually said about Draco in an interview.  Hint: about 50% of the time with tumblr, the answer is "no, they didn't."  It's ridiculous.

The point is, journaling come back to meeeeeeee.  I say as I once again put off opening a Dreamwidth tab in favor of reblogging screencaptures from "Tremors."

I spent far too much time last night reading WTF Fanfiction's list of things used as lube that shouldn't be lube.  I feel like it says something about how long I've been in fandom that I was largely unfazed by most of the list, because apparently after a while things like "gun oil," "monster slime" and "holy water" don't start sounding any less unpleasant, but they do start, er, bleeding together.  I am fascinated by some of these despite myself, though.  Like -- Dorito crumbs.  I realize there are things on that list that should scare me more (jellyfish!  Souls!  THE TEARS OF CHILDREN) but for some reason I keep going back to the Doritos.

Let it be noted, incidentally, that everything I am doing right now is a thing I should not be doing.  What I should be doing is writing a book review, a draft of which I need to have by Friday, but I've worked myself up so badly over it that I've become avoidant.   This is becoming a massive problem as I start working on my dissertation, and I wish I could make myself stop.  I start questioning my writing ability, and my ability to think, and I end up doing anything else but what I should be doing until the very last minute, at which point adrenaline and sheer panic force me into finishing whatever needed to get done.  This is not an appropriate long-term form of writing though, and it certainly won't work here -- not when I'm trying to get done quickly (because I want to leave Seattle yesterday).  Which is to say, I apologize in advance for any writing-related whining.  And also for all of the things I will do while avoiding my dissertation.

linzee: (Default)
Title: Napoleon in Rags
Author: Linzee Style
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Word Count: 42,365
Warnings: canon-typical violence and themes; temporary character death (it IS Supernatural, after all).

Summary: “So,” Dean says eventually, breath ruffling Castiel’s hair. “You gonna tell us about this place?”

“I don’t have to,” Castiel says, pushing himself up on his elbows. “If I’m right, it’s nearby. Near something called Tucson.” Dean looks at him incredulously and Castiel scowls. “I was hiding an invaluable relic, not purchasing real estate.”

Or: There's no such thing as a hunter retirement plan.

[Read at AO3]

linzee: (Default)
 Thing I do not understand: why Matchbox Twenty does not advertise, as part of its marketing for the USB recording of the night's show, that you are able to download not one but two shows, effectively making the price 20 dollars a show, not 40 -- or, you know, double-disk CD price (which is what you are getting, given they play about 25-27 songs a concert).  I bought a wristband in Phoenix and used it to download both the Phoenix and Tucson concerts, but even if you only went to one show, at the end of each tour the fan club votes on a "best of" collection out of the USBs, which then goes up for 'sale' -- I'd imagine that's also available for those people who bought a USB but only went to one show.

I mean, I sincerely doubt they're hurting to move merchandise, but still!  My mind was a little blown the first time I realized you could download two shows and I remember when they started the USB thing!

At any rate, I dutifully share with the rest of the class.

July 26 2013 - Phoenix, Arizona - Comerica Theater

July 27 2013 - Tucson, Arizona - AVA Amphitheater

While I was waiting for my shows to go up I was looking through the set-lists for the Goo/Matchbox tours, and I have to say it made me all the more grateful that Matchbox came back to AZ without Goo.  Since they're technically "co-headlining" it looks like Goo is getting about an hour and Matchbox an hour and a half, and as a result, in order to get all of their hits in, their set-list is packed.  It looks like a greatest hit list without much change.  Which is great for a shed tour, but we got some strange ones that we definitely wouldn't have gotten if they hadn't played the full two hours both nights.   Also, if Kyle gets "Hang" any more country they're all going to be coming out in cowboy hats and it will never not be a source of entertainment to me.  I love listening to some of the old songs now and being able to hear the new influence of the band members (there was definitely a point in Tucson where I thought Paul was going to refuse to give back "So Sad So Lonely," and in Phoenix Kyle kept going with the guitar so Rob started singing "Kyle Cook's a bad, bad boy," since he couldn't get his cue.  The moral apparently being that the band gets really, really into that song in particular.)

It also makes me appreciate even more the fact that they expanded their set since Goo wasn't there.  An hour and a half is (from what I can tell) a pretty expected time for a single headliner -- Fall Out Boy always played about that when I saw them and they were nowhere as high-energy as Matchbox.  It was so fucking hot and they were at about 120% and they still kept stretching it.   The heat did lead to what has to be my new favorite Rob concert comment, though -- in Tucson he gave the same little thing he says every time he's in AZ during the summer about how people who aren't from Arizona probably come off as total wimps, and then adds, "it's like when you come to New York and get mugged, that's how we feel.  Wimps."  Rob ilu.
linzee: (Default)
Tonight was night two of two on my Matchbox Twenty Extravagnaza, thus named because tonight marked my twentieth Matchbox Twenty/Rob Thomas show. Which is not actually that many shows, but you have to keep in mind that (a) they do not tour that often, (b) this is a span of time during which I was ages sixteen to twenty-eight, which are tragically not prime 'travel long distances to concerts while remaining fiscally responsible' years, and (c) they took a goddamn ten year break between albums three and four I don't even want to talk about the fact I only got one Matchbox Twenty album in my entire twenties I mean really.

Nonetheless! I have now seen Rob and/or Matchbox Twenty, twenty times. I've been a fan of the band since I was fifteen years old -- ongoing, non-stop, they have always been my favorite band. They're not "fannish," in the sense that there is no Matchbox Twenty fandom, but my love of them is certainly as intense as any fannish affection I've ever have, and yet whereas every fannish love I've had has waned fairly quickly (after one to two years at most, a month or so at shortest), I've felt this level of affection for Matchbox for thirteen years and counting.

This isn't of course to say that I don't still love some of the things I was once fannish about -- I mean, I still like The X Files. But it took a long time before I could watch it again after it ended. The same is true of Fall Out Boy: it was a long time after I left bandom before I could listen to bandom music, and ultimately the only artists that survived the cut were Fall Out Boy and Cobra Starship. I'd never go see any of those bands live again, though. And then there's the shows I was fannish about and don't survive or net a rewatch, like Smallville or (I feel like I should tell people to cover their ears here) Buffy.

Sometimes I genuinely wonder if fandom improves or hinders the experience of text. There are many, many people who would argue that you should never study the literature you genuinely "adore" because it ruins it; more and more I think that's true of fandom. Sometimes I think that just means I am Getting Old (kids today get off my lawn), but driving back from the Matchbox Twenty concert my friend and I were brainstorming potential wank Tumblr would create in an imagined Matchbox Twenty fandom, and my god by the time we were done even the imaginary fandom had made me want to listen to something other than "North." It also made me want Tabitha's Secret-era Rob/Paul fic but we're not going to focus on that part right now shh.

Then again, it's possible there are different kinds of affection when it comes to the things we love. Maybe fannish love is different for me than "true love," or maybe they just became a part of me at such a point in my life that I've stuck them in emotional bubble wrap, and Rob Thomas could kill a man and I'd just shrug and get a tarp and some borax. Or maybe I'm looking for an excuse to delete my tumblr. At any rate, I realized tonight that this is very likely the last Matchbox Twenty show I will see in my twenties, which made me feel horrifically old and also made me realize just how intense that hiatus business actually was. Dear Matchbox Twenty don't do that again.

In conclusion, I did buy the USB so in the next few days I'll upload both shows to my web space.  We got two fucking amazing set lists, including "You're So Real," "All I Need," "All Your Reasons," "How Long," "Mad Season," "Jumping Jack Flash," and "Waiting On a Train."  The last one leads me to believe I have some sort of untapped psychic ability, as I told my friend while we got drinks before the show that if I could choose any song for them to play it would be that one, but it's a B-side from Europe and I strongly suspected that wasn't exactly going to make the American cut.  And lo!  When the music started she smacked me and told me I should've used my powers to get "Busted," which is fair.  I WILL one day achieve that song.  ONE DAY.

linzee: (Default)
What do you do when you run out of steam on a story right at the finish line? I feel like I've been doing this a lot, lately. I am quite literally paragraphs away from finishing a fic I've been working on, it feels like forever, but I've reached an impasse where I have no idea how to end it, I have no fandom friends for this fandom (and no LJ friends who share the ship), and I'm burnt out on the fandom itself to the point where even though I'm really proud of what I have so far, opening the Google Docs tab is exhausting. I just keep thinking: even if this gets done, I have to find a beta, and I do not know where to do that. And then I have to re-read it, and I'm so burnt out on the fandom I don't want to do that. And then I have to figure out how to post it, and I've been frustrated by my experiences with that as of late.

I am two paragraphs from done and I'm something like 60% sure this fic will end up as yet another story in my ever-growing pile of abandoned WIPs. I swear at this point I'm honestly not allowed to write anything else. This is absolutely ridiculous.

But! In happier fannish news, this weekend is my Matchbox Twenty Extravaganza! They are playing Phoenix on Friday and Tucson on Saturday, and I am so excited you guys I can't even. To celebrate, and because I now know better than to put everything I own on an external hard drive and nowhere else again, I have uploaded my entire Matchbox Twenty collection (minus the albums because ya'll know where to find those) to my webspace:

This is a Lot of Matchbox Twenty

My personal recommendation btw is the May 2001 show -- it's an entire Mad Season era concert and it is shockingly good quality. Far better than the one I had before my hard drive crashed.
linzee: (Default)
First, I realized belatedly that I never actually posted my new (second) tattoo. I think it surprises no one that I have put Matchbox Twenty on my body -- I feel odd calling this a 'fannish' tattoo because let's face it, my fandom attention span is that of a goldfish, and I've loved Matchbox Twenty since I was fourteen years old. But also, too, because I think the biggest issue with "fandom" tattoos is their tendency to be more about the thing in question than the person getting the tattoo on their body: 'I'm getting this tattoo because I love [X]' is far more likely to lead to regret, or at least amused head-shaking at a former self, than getting a tattoo because of its meaning to you.

But I mean, at the end of the day I'm still The Girl With The Matchbox Twenty Tattoo though, so. Nobody in real life made fun of me, though -- it's hard to make fun of someone when they are absolutely unashamed of something, I have learned over the years, and if your reaction to any attempt at poking fun at something you love is a spirited explanation for why you love that thing that terrifies hipsters into shutting the fuck up because the thing about hipsters is they are defined by their lack of capacity to feel that level of affection for anything, eventually they have no choice but to respect you because, frankly, they don't understand you and your enthusiasm either scares or fascinates them. One or the other.

In all seriousness though, this is one of the things that confuses me the most about non-fannish people. I had a fellow grad-student tell me, in response to how excited I was to see "Iron Man 3," that she doesn't get excited about anything, ever. I still don't know if she was proud of that or not but it's still maybe the saddest thing I've ever heard. What kind of life are you living if it takes Big Expensive and/or Stressful Life Events to excite, entertain and delight you?

Cut for...feet? Do we cut for feet? Let's cut for feet. )

And then there's me, who gets excited about everything like a Jack Russell Terrier. Ah, well. At any rate, my chosen quote is from "If You're Gone" -- you think I'm weak; I think you're wrong. As a bonus, it's the song that made me fall in love with Matchbox Twenty, off the first album of theirs I bought on my own. Neither of those last two things were intentional; I just find them to be delightful bonuses.

Speaking of Matchbox Twenty, after a very stressful few days I managed to rescue about 85% of my Matchbox Twenty mp3 collection from my dead hard drive, and then found a torrent that contained that last, lost 15%, plus a few stray mp3s from the Napster days that even I had lost over the years (we're talking bootlegs from the 90s that sound like they were recorded underwater, and yet I am still keeping them). iTunes made my life easier on a few things, like the fact I randomly managed to lose "The Only One" -- but not "U Turn Me On," which makes no sense because they were in the same folder! Unless I lost "The Only One" earlier on, I guess.

The point of all of this is, having finally put all of my Matchbox Twenty collection in one place, the final tally is 8.66gb of music. That includes Paul, Kyle and Rob's solo music, and it does include many, many versions of the same songs, obviously, but it does not include any duplicate mp3s. Now the question is, is that something to be proud of, or do I keep that to myself?

And now in the interest of that, and because I promised [personal profile] tasyfa I would upload this forever ago, I give you two different concerts from Matchbox Twenty's last tour:

Indio, California 2013

Kalamazoo, Michigan 2013

And now ends your massive Matchbox Twenty Post Dump.
linzee: (misc: judas i don't believe you)
I've spent the last hour of my life watching Fabella's really amazing Sam/Castiel music videos and then I logged on to Tumblr and there was Scully/Reyes fanart that kept referring to Scully as "Dana" and it's not even nine PM in Arizona and I honestly have no idea what is going on or what reality is anymore. I have never been so confused.

[In all seriousness though, you have to watch that Sam/Cas video. The one I linked directly is set to "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson and I don't think I would've clicked that for many vidders but she made Rob Thomas work as a fanvid for me and oh my god you guys no just do it.]

I'm totally watching this video while trying to finish my first over 40,000 word fic (Dean/Castiel, but I swear I am not one of those Dean/Castiel shippers -- I mean, I've spent the last 24 hours mainlining Sam/Castiel fanvids and before that I was running around trying to recover a pretty impressive Wincest fanvid collection so, I mean). It's at 42k and it just keeps growing and I'm either proud of myself or horrified and I haven't figured out which yet. It's entirely possible I'll get tired of words for the evening and give up and vid instead.

In other news, if you ever want to confuse a cat, put on a clay face mask. My boy kitty has been staring at me like I'm a demon for the last twenty minutes. He won't even get in my lap -- he's just on the ground next to me screaming at my green face.
linzee: (Default)
My oldest external hard drive is in the process of dying, or just generally being an asshole for no reason -- I'm unclear on which, but while I can see the folders in which my media is located, I cannot click those folders or enter those folders or get at my media in any way. I'm currently trying to get a fanvid collection that has twelve years' worth of vids in it, but I do not think I am going to have much luck and that makes me sad in ways I cannot describe to you. I had X Files videos on there that don't even exist on the internet anymore.

On the plus side, I rescued all of my Matchbox Twenty mp3s. I'm sure that's a thing you were worried about.  Now I just have to once again procure an amount of television and cinema that we aren't going to talk about.

At any rate, while I fuck around with this stupid external hard drive, I'm reduced to only watching things that are on my other, newer drive. This has led me to re-live my Smallville days, which -- alright, like everyone else I left in season four, because season four made no sense whatsoever. Rewatching does not help. In fact, the show actually makes more sense if you just stop trying to fit season four into the plot of Smallville and pretend Dean Winchester is having the weirdest year ever while Sam is still off at Stanford.


I do appreciate, as always, that at any given time I can never tell if I'm looking at a promotional still or the first five minutes of a porno.  Thank you for that, Smallville.

And now if anyone has any idea how to get files off of an external that is giving I/O errors and won't let me open, explore or run recovery programs on any folder with video in it (though I can see the folder and my computer says the device is working properly), or alternately, if anyone has a huge-ass repository of fanvids they want to share with me to help rebuild my collection, any and all help would be greatly appreciated because oh my god I am going to punt this thing to the moon.
linzee: (Default)
Shameful admission. For as much as I hate the fetishization of the printed text, I get really excited about first editions. Not in the "obsessive hoarder of expensive books" way - I'm a grad student, not Nic Cage here. But my favorite game is going on Amazon and trawling by year and publisher to find random first editions for cheap because no one but me cares. Today I was super excited to get this in the mail:

This is definitely one of those "no one cares but me" moments, but this is the first edition of Gertrude Stein's "Geographies and Plays" from 1922. This book has seen some shit man.

I have about one thousand things I need to be doing right now to start my summer. These things include:

-making audio books for my actual job, which I work at and pays me.

- writing my dissertation (I need to revise an already-written piece into a final chapter, and write what will be my theoretical introduction/first chapter)

-write a book review on a book of Gertrude Stein's letters for my mentor which is totally no pressure at all because I'm apparently the only graduate student doing this in a bunch of actual real-life professors and also my mentor still scares the crap out of me. He is literally one of my favorite people, but he terrifies me in that way where only someone who has known you since you were 19 can terrify you once you've reached the age to understand just how embarrassing you were at that age.

-anything but what I am actually doing, which is:

-making the Lord King Bad Vid of my heart and soul. I am so sorry, except I'm not. Literally the only way this could get more id-tastic was if I made a fanvid to "Ever the Same" (I promise: I will never make a fanvid to ever the same. BRAVE LIKE SOLDIERS.)

I absolutely have my priorities in order.

Speaking of, though! I am dusting off my DW/Livejournal in a concentrated effort to post more often: let's start with three days a week. Because I think it's good for my emotional/mental health, and because I desperately miss fandom as an interactive experience. So, in the interest of doing so, here is how I spent my Extended Summer Vacation:

-I got back into fandom with a brief foray into the Avengers fandom! I suppose technically I am still in this fandom, but honestly, I've never been able to stay long in Joss Whedon fandoms. I do consider myself to be in the 616 fandom though. Largely Steve/Tony, though I managed to crap out 90% through a 23k fic and will never, ever finish anything in that fandom because:

-HEY YOU KNOW WHAT WAS A GREAT IDEA? Over spring break I got caught up on Supernatural! You know when I last watched SPN regularly? Before bandom hit. This one I honestly blame Tumblr for, because seriously there were 48 hours straight where In That Moment, I Swear Every Blog Was a Destiel Blog. In all seriousness though, that freaking crypt scene was literally my entire dash for so long. And then my exams were upon me and I was stressed out and I already had seasons 1-7 on my hard drive (don't worry about it), so I just started where I left off and marathoned four seasons in two weeks.

Don't do that, by the way. I'm pretty sure I angered god. You know what I want though? An XF/SPN crossover fic. I'd write it, but I'm honestly not sure how that would work - if it would be best set in present day XF continuity (in which case you'd have to admit I Want to Believe happened, and is anyone ready for that?), or would you want to pull Mulder and Scully up a decade, in which case they would almost certainly end up either hunting Dean and Sam, or running the same case. I think I like the former, though XF2 can we not.
linzee: (misc: judas i don't believe you)
One of the hardest realizations for me in the fandom shift from LJ/DW to tumblr has been having to come to terms with the fact that I no longer have any idea how to disseminate fanworks: either I've become completely out of touch with what Kids Today want in their work (this is entirely possible), or I'm just clueless (also possible), or it's a combination of the two (also likely), but tumblr's fanfic culture in particular is a foreign creature that confuses and at times completely vexes me. I'm just throwing darts in a dark hallway and it is discouraging beyond all belief.

The thing is, and I have always said this because it is true, but I don't necessarily feel the need to post what I write. I write as stress relief because it's nice to work in a relatively low-stakes environment where (under normal circumstances) no one is going to tell you how badly you suck. Bandom took that from me for a while, but eventually I realized bandom was largely a complete hive of scum and villainy and moved on with my life. What I am embarrassingly, humiliatingly susceptible to, though, is radio silence. My biggest fear is posting a fic I've worked on for months and getting no response, or posting fanart or drabbles and hearing radio silence. And the thing with tumblr is - for the reasons mentioned above - this is what happens. Which is fine, because no one owes me commentary, but I do find myself writing things and then putting them away in the Google Docs equivalent of my sock drawer more and more often. Which is a thing I've always done: I wrote about twice the amount of bandom fic that I actually posted, for instance; I have a few extra Adam Lambert stories that never made it to the internet; I wrote for The Avengers and never posted. And now I've got this 40+k Supernatural fic I'm just about finished with that I'm really, really proud of and I'm not entirely sure I'm going to post because while I can handle criticism, I get so embarrassed and ashamed when I publish something online and nothing happens but silence.

The downside of this, and this is where I realize I am being a total selfish asshole, is I still like getting things beta'ed. And that is a hard sell: "hey, do you want to beta 42,000 words of Dean/Castiel with a lot of Sam knowing it will never ever get posted on the internet and all your work will be for naught?" Oh yes sign me up for that!

In conclusion, as long as I'm here, here is a Meg/Cas vid I made a while ago and, uh, never posted. At what point am I in danger of becoming some sort of fandom hoarder?

linzee: (fob: homemade porn)
I have been having no luck at all with this Tony/Steve story I'm working on. I think I've been staring at it for too long. It's reached the point where it's been in my brain so long enough I can no longer take a step back and examine it objectively -- I can't tell if it's worth editing up and keeping, or if it's full of issues and needs to be scrapped, or if I'm just over it entirely and frustrated and ready to throw it in the WIP Folder where 70% of everything I write goes to languish and die.

It is the worst and I hate it. I need another pair of eyes on this thing but I am too embarrassed to make other people look at it because what if it sucks.

Tonight while (finally) reading my LJ friendslist I was struck by a fit of nostalgia and sudden concern for Livejournal's ability to retain information, and ended up going back and digging up all of my old bandom tags. Over two hours later, here are things that I learned:

1) I wrote a hell of a lot of fic in that fandom. Like, seriously. I found things I had literally no memory of -- not little drabbles, either, I found a 15,000 word Pete/Patrick fic that I couldn't remember writing, even as I read it. The only reason I am sure it is definitely mine and not the product of some sort of time/space continuum burp is that Patrick was being continually annoyed by a Rob Thomas ringtone. And now you understand why I put these things in -- it is convenient in the apparently very-real face of sudden and complete memory erasure.

2) I produced my best work in that fandom and I hate that this is true.

3) Remember that time Patrick Stump got pregnant and had to quit his job at Dairy Queen? Or that time Ryan Ross masturbated while thinking about John McCain? Or the time Garth Brooks fell in love with Patrick and challenged Pete to a duel for his love? Good times.

The moral of the story is I am the worst at writing and all of the words are gone and I will never produce anything new again.

Have I mentioned I miss posting here? There is something so soothing about making actual posts in a medium I understand.
linzee: (marvel: hug it out)

Steve pushes his hand into his pocket and it closes around cool metal. “You know there are timelines where none of this happened.”

Sam shrugs and sits down on the wall next to Steve. “Yeah, and there are timelines where reality TV doesn’t exist and this job pays. We can’t do anything about that. They’re not ours.”

Steve stares out at the skyline. )

This is my new favorite way of getting past writers' block, you guys. Because it's easy (lazy) and because it combines my favorite things: photoshop, and not actually writing. I've been working on the same story since July -- it's at over 20,000 words and will probably end around 30-40, when I finally get this stupid thing done. I'm really pleased with what I have so far, but it's slow-going, both because writing is hard (it is!) and because I have approximately five million other things I should be doing other than writing fanfic (my PhD exams are in May, so that's a thing that's happening).

The fic I'm writing is not actually curtain-fic, and this is not actually part of the story. I'm basically just writing extra scenes in my head with all the characters I wasn't able to include in the story proper. Next up: Bucky. Man, you don't even understand how hard it was to not use Bucky. Kill your darlings and all but if I had my way I would just stick Bucky everywhere. He's basically my favorite thing.
linzee: (Default)
So I've been trying the Tumblr game for a while, and I quite like it -- it seems to be where fandom is going, and for the most part, it's a lot of fun. But I'm not going to lie: there are a lot of things I miss about Livejournal's format. Tumblr has a lot of positive traits, but the opportunity for conversation and long-form discussion isn't really one of them. LJ, however, seems to really be dying out, and I can't figure out if that's because fandom is moving on from the format or because LJ is trying very hard to become something that fandom doesn't necessarily want. To that end, I'm trying out this business of joining everyone on Dreamwidth. which brings me to my series of questions.

First -- where is everyone? Do you all have Dreamwidths? Where are you?! I am linzee here, not linzeestyle, because I actually got my real name and couldn't say no. *g*

Friend me (or whatever the equivalent is)!

I'll be crossposting to Livejournal for a while, or at least until I see how well this goes over. I'm still unsure as to the popularity of the format overall -- are there more people on Dreamwidth, or have we generally moved on to Tumblr/elsewhere? Also...oh man, how does customizing work?

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